He Who Hesitates is a Blogger

Unlocking Blog Procrastination

It’s Thursday – the last chance to panic and get all the things done you should have done Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so you don’t feel like the week’s been a complete waste on Friday.

Perhaps the reason I keep stalling on this blog is something more than trademark ASD procrastination. Although I am very good at that. As part of coming back from serious burn out I’m looking to reduce difficult or stressful elements of my life. Is this blog difficult or stressful? What am I getting out of it? Sometimes things are difficult because there’s a problem to be solved and a challenge to overcome. Sometimes they’re difficult because they’re flawed or just wrong. Sometimes difficult is OK if it’s worth it. Which is this?

A sticking point with this blog is since David decided not to continue with it, the original concept doesn’t hold. The blog was intended to be an objective exploration, with David providing balance and keeping it grounded and relatable. Without that, the blog is now just straight up about me and my experience – which makes me enormously uncomfortable. But it could be a good kind of uncomfortable. If I’m not willing to confront that, maybe I shouldn’t be doing this in the first place.

This is a huge “masking” challenge for me. I’m so used to toning myself down or having somebody buffer for me to get along with people that I don’t even think about it. It’s as normal as putting on your pants in the morning. Stepping outside of that feels like the stereotypical nightmare where you go to work without those pants on. And make a big speech. To a room full of strangers. With no pants.

So here goes…

I dance around the fact that I work in “Hollywood”, or more often somewhere Hollywood-adjacent. I might say “film and television” or “production” to try to tone it down a bit, but actually I’ve gone to a lot of time, effort and trouble to work my way into this situation, so I might as well own it.

The problem with talking about “Hollywood” is it instantly sounds privileged and pretentious and nobody is ever going to believe you had a bad day at the studio. If you are in this business it’s because you chose to be here, and it probably took a lot of work as well as some level of luck or privilege to get here. What real problems can you possibly have?

But this is my situation. I grew up in a high-pressure, high-performance environment, where a lot was expected of me. You could never show weakness and failure was not an option. When things have gone wrong I’ve tended to double-down and push ahead. And sometimes things have gone very wrong, so I’ve doubled-down a lot.

I believe there are more people with ASD in high-performance environments than is typically thought. High performance work requires attention to detail and sometimes a level of obsession that meshes perfectly with ASD. This still has challenges, and I don’t know if I’d really recommended it as a life choice. But here I am. I will share thoughts and theories about these experiences.

The entertainment industry is heavily dependent on publicity, and therefore heavily dependent on secrets. There are a lot of things I can’t say, or that would be professional suicide to reveal. But I’ll try to keep it interesting.

Apologies for not remembering who, but somebody I read recently said to keep in mind a blog is about taking the reader on a journey, not providing conclusions. So welcome to the journey. I’ll tone myself down less. Unraveling the mask is a huge personal and professional issue for me at the moment, which is pressingly vital and surprisingly complex. I believe it is a difficulty worth overcoming. That’s a good challenge. Maybe it will make a good journey.

C.

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